(Transcript of a letter written to Ronni, my little sister, while I was serving my mission in Portugal.)Ronni,
Keep listening to Pachelbel, because he’s cool, and congratulations on entering the second grade. They should teach you all sorts of neat things like multiplication, spelling, and gluing stuff together. Some people learn what the glue tastes like, but that’s dumb. People weren’t meant to know what glue tastes like. I think we learn that at the resurrection. I still don’t know.
One day one of you friends at school will say “try tasting the glue”, “I like eating glue; it tastes good.” He’ll say, “Michael likes the glue too,” but you’ll know he’s a liar because glue smells yucky like old mashed horses. You can’t trust people who eat glue. Next thing you know they’ll be popping the water paints out of the tray and sucking on them. You know that can’t be good because it’ll turn your guts rainbow color. People who eat glue also get stupider, because the glue makes their brains a little bit stickier. It’s not good to be getting your brains all sticky when you’re supposed to be learning how to multiply and how to make macaroni art; Stuff that will help you in the future.
After second grade the thing that divides the greats from the losers is “who ate the glue”. More people drop out of the greats group in third grade. What can I say? That’s life.
Elder Sean Cox